I was born into a Christian family with the most incredible parents in the whole world. Not even kidding. They’re amazing, encouraging, and such great disciplers. Even with the constant Jesus at home, each person has to make their own salvation decision; so this is my story, my testimony.
When I was about eight years old, my best friend and I wanted to be missionaries in Sri Lanka. We made “blueprints” for the orphanage we planned to build, we even tried to learn the language. Such big dreams, no fear, no reservations – just a heart to serve and love others. I can pinpoint the moment that those dreams started to fade though, and it actually grieves my heart. I started to make new friends who didn’t have the same dream of missions as I did, so I started to think that maybe it was just a phase. My excitement and vision for missions became dormant.
Fast-forward eight years, all featuring church camps, growth and the Lord tugging on my heart strings, bringing conviction. I was in a really strong place with Jesus – leading worship at youth group, diving into the Word daily, and being homeschooled completely at home, which gave me distance from friends who were figuring out their walk with Jesus, but who didn’t encourage me in mine. (Jesus brought that full circle, by the way. They’re literally my best friends now and I’m so thankful for them. Sometimes distance is really good.) Then, this football player named Nolan swept me off my feet, and Jesus took a back seat. The next 2 years of our dating relationship was so rocky and full of sin. I was still leading worship and really involved in church; I still read my bible (but less frequently). I was living in sin, trying to walk in repentance and purity. I got really good at wearing a mask. Way too good at it.
But then Jesus wrecked me.
It was sort of like the moment between Isaiah and the Lord from Isaiah 6:5; I realized the weight of my sin and the holiness of God. I was undone. He was calling me to stop running, and to repent. That’s the moment God changed my heart. No turning back, no compromising. Wearing that perfection mask wasn’t going to cut it, I needed to be authentic. God has called us to repent, not to live a life of perfection.
Living undone is uncomfortable, but God has called me to pick up my cross and follow him. He’ll align the pieces, and he’ll equip me. He never fails. My journey isn’t by any means easy or perfect. I’m just trying to figure out how to live authentically and not pick up my all too convenient mask. Sometimes I’m so ugly it makes me cringe – but hey, that’s what grace is for, right?
His grace is sufficient, His love unending, and His mercies new everyday. So, thanks for joining me on my journey of living a life authentic, surrendered, and undone.